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Tormented Confusion

I lost my will to argue as I lay in the darkened room with his little screen silently staring at me.

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Happiness was ripped from my heart in a single painful beat.

My breath caught in my chest so suddenly that I found myself gasping for air.

“No!” I shook my head vigorously. As if this futile action would change reality. This was the same person in the same room that on the very same screen that had shown me my new little beating heart. And now, here he was telling me that it was no longer to be???

It was incredulous and I was unconvinced.

“Look again, you are mistaken!” This I said a bit more harshly than intended.

“Listen, this happens to so many-“

“Your equipment must be faulty.”  I interrupted. “Maybe you should switch it off and on again?” I asked hopefully. Though the truth of what he was telling me was slowly hitting home.

I suddenly lost my will to argue any further as I lay in the darkened room with his little screen silently staring at me. I was surprised to feel a warm tear slowly run down the side of my cheek.  In the background I heard my doctors gentle placating voice.  But his words were incomprehensible to my mind.  I merely stared at the black and white screen. Stared at my little baby that had stopped growing. Stared at its little shape just taking its human form. My heart weighed a ton as I meekly got dressed and went back into the painfully bright consulting room. The doctor and I sat for a while in poignant silence. The love I had felt here only two weeks before, turned to abandonment. The coziness of the room left me longing and the beautiful smiles on photographs of the babies he had brought into this world pushed me into a never ending abyss of darkness.  2017-10-23 20-2010525187..jpg

I slowly left his rooms only to see my mothers happy, expectant smile as I re-entered the waiting room. She took one look at me and immediately rushed toward me.  That was my breaking point.

I crashed fully, uncontrollably and heavily.  Realising that I was disconsolate, she turned to lead me out to the bright sunshine.  To the fresh warm breeze.  I felt none of these.

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I can remember only two things –

My doctor, talking to his assistant and motioning toward me as my mom held me tightly.

The other moms-to-be patiently waiting their turn, had realised what had just taken place.  They protectively placed their hands on their beautiful protruding bellies.  I felt a stab of jealousy as I realised that only 30 minutes ago, that was me.  I had held my little bump and spoken affectionately to my perfect little baby. Telling him (I had a feeling my baby would be a boy) that I couldn’t wait to hold him.  That his oldest brother was so excited to meet him.  That our entire family was ready to receive and love him. That was only half an hour ago…centuries ago and worlds apart to what I was feeling now.

 As I held onto the one person who had never judged me, never doubted me and had loved me at my worst, I felt totally and truly shattered.

I leaned heavily on her while I sobbed away. She held me tightly, shedding her own tears silently.

I was exhausted and could cry no further. I hung onto her as I breathed shakily. Her love radiated from every part of her being. I could actually feel her wishing the pain away, and trying to take it onto herself instead.

Later, at my little secret place. The same place where I had gone to make sense of the news that I was carrying a brand new little being, I dubbed it Our Special Place.

It’s ours, just for me and my baby.

I sat dry-eyed and heavy-hearted, once again trying to make sense. Only this time, it was to say farewell to my baby that I’ll never meet while on earth.

My only strength is that I know we shall meet one day…until then…farewell little one.

Mommy loves you

🌼☕

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Happy Love doesn’t exist. 

Love is the saddest feeling one’s heart could ever feel.

Because it’s so deep, so real, when destruction comes it leaves you feeling desolate,  empty and completely useless. And when it does feel full for a moment, don’t deceive yourself – it’s full of trash. Wasted efforts. 

When you feel love, you can be sure of unhappiness coming your way. Of heart break and sadness which is sure to follow soon. 

One of you may put in all the effort humanly possible, but that too will be wasted. You will be left with insecurities you never knew you had. 

Love is so blind. You eagerly hold on to the hand of the one you’ve given your heart to. Trusting this person to lead the way. But I can assure you, your hand won’t be held forever. You’ll be left dangling on the edge of a cliff, with no one in sight. 
The things that once made your heart warm and fuzzy, that gave you gooseflesh will soon fade away. Leaving you empty and unsure.

It doesn’t matter how strong your soul has been all your life. How positive you’ve been or how much care and love you’ve been able to give away and share. Once your love turns on you and bares it’s horrible flaring teeth, you can be sure that you will be left as an empty shell. No hope, no happiness. You will be left as a nothing and as a no one. 

Lock your heart and keep it safe. Do not give it away or lend it even for the shortest of moments. Because the cruelty that is ‘love’ is waiting patiently for you to do just that. So it can dig its fangs down deep into your soul causing you to bleed out and leave you with nothing inside. 

A new pea #newbaby #pregnant 

“7.9mm.” He announces quite proudly. I’m a bit  baffled, or maybe my mind won’t accept his words and needs to hear it directly.

I hesitatingly ask him what exactly he means. The doctor smiles with delight. “Your baby is now approximately 7.9mm in length. As healthy and as tiny as a fresh little pea.”

My breath catches in my chest…My baby… I need time to process this new information, but the doctor instead of letting me go, happily puts some more jelly on my swollen tum tum and points to the little black and white screen infront of him. “There…there’s your little pea. And only about 7weeks old now. Boy oh boy you two have a journey ahead!” His smile is contagious as he turns up the volume of his magic screen. 

“What a fine heartbeat your baby has.” A fierce wave of protectiveness sweeps through me as I for the very first time listen to the rythem of my babies heart. 

Excitement floods my soul as I realise that this is real, it is true…I have a baby growing within me.

The amazement and wonder if this miracle is almost too much for me. I try my best to leave the kind and smiling gynecologists beautifully decorated office as fast as I can without being too direct. He sends me off with a promise to see me again in two weeks time…

I basically hold my breath while navigating my way through traffic until I reach my chosen destination.   Atlast I arrive and climb out. The air is sweet and fresh. Here is where I can breath. Where I can think. Slowly I look around.  This is my comfort place. I am so gratful for where I live. In the bustling busy streets of Cape Town, yet no more than ten minutes from this pure fresh nature.
I find my comfy place and sit down while still taking in the peaceful beauty around me.

My mind drifts to the reason that brought me here. I’m pregnant. I’ve got a brand new little human inside of me.

I can feel myself giving up any concern I may have had to the absolute joy of knowing that I’ve been trusted to love and protect another human life,  and this human is to call me Mommy! 

“Ok, Mommy’s little pea, you heard the Doc – we have a long journey ahead. Let’s get going.”

🌼☕

Delight #newborn #unbreakablelove #zuludelight

The strong smell of antiseptic surrounds me as I start my walk along the long corridor. Not surprising, there are bustling and busy nurses chatting and laughing and giving their patients the occasional encouraging smile.  My heart feels warm and fuzzy as I look down at a beautiful newborn baby laying in her mother’s arms. The new mommy tells me quite openly about the birth of her little angel, as I get comfortable on her bed beside her. As she speaks, she casually offers her precious parcel for me to hold. Instinctively my arms reach out and I find myself cooing over this one day old little princess. 

The mother suddenly stops speaking and I realise she is staring at me. I look up to meet her gentle brown eyes. “You like baby, yes?” Before I could even think to answer she carries on as if she didn’t really expect an answer. “I see  love by your eyes for baby.” Her accent is as strong as I can see her personality is. This is a woman with perseverance. I confirmed her statement with a goofy smile.

The little angel stirred in my arms, as if she knew what was being said. The tiny little slits of her eyes revealed themselves and her still fuzzy sight focused right on me. I can swear she even smiled ever so slightly! Ok, fine it was probably only gas!! But I’ll continue to convince myself she felt every emotion radiate from me.

I reluctantly handed her back to her mommy who immediately hugged her warmly. 

A better name could not have been chosen for this precious soul. Her name is ‘Thabisa’ with the Zulu meaning ‘delight.’

Walking back down the antiseptic smelling corridor with the sounds of happiness and delight surrounding me, my heart is light and my excitement rises as I realise that I only have another 7 months to go before I hold my very own little delight…

🌼☕

Twists and Turns

That is what life as I’ve experienced it so far is all about. Many little winding roads. Some sloping up the hill, others bushy and overgrown.

I stroll along the path of my own choosing, I feel a sense of lightness surround me. My thoughts immediately dig into the depths of my deepest being.

I know I made certain choices in life, that those choices, no matter how colossal or how insignificantly tiny, these choices have led me to my very own little dusty path.

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At first it does seem dusty and dirty, with sharp jagged stones and roots peeping from the hard, dry ground. My footsteps leave a light cloud of dust behind as I traverse along my lonesome little path.

After trekking for hours, days, months, loosing sight of time, only staring down as my feet drag one behind the other. A sense of hopelessness has engulfed me which makes me believe that I can’t follow this dusty unwelcome little road any longer.

My strength has been seeped away. My sense of direction lost. My self will nowhere to be found.

My mind knows that I cannot continue this way and somehow, manages to send my heart a sliver of hope. A split second of belief.

I, for the first time stop and lift my head to take in my surroundings – what I see literally takes my breath away. I had been so focused on the hard merciless ground, that I had not seen the beautiful flowers surrounding me.

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I lift my face to the sun and realise it’s not that hot after all. Suddenly the harsh rays of the sun soften and become gentle.

It feels warm, fresh and absolute heaven on my skin. Taking in the scent of the beautiful flowers around me, I also realise how much life surrounds me. Birds singing in perfect tune with one another.

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Butterflies dancing in the sun and bees going about their pollen business. I’ve been so busy walking with my head bent low, that I never noticed how much love, peace and happiness surrounded me.

I’ve learnt to keep my head held high, no matter the circumstance. I’ve learnt to see the beauty in every situation, no matter how heavy my heart. We are all on our own little pathways that have been set before us.

Only we, ourselves can make the best of our journey.

🌼☕

My Colby Baby #horselove

It’s a slighty chilly morning with a fresh, crisp breeze. The clouds are high and the sky blue. The air is filled with a sweet flowery scent, mixed with the warm musky smell of a well excercised horse.

I glance down as I had done too many times to count in the last hour. Her brown velvet shines and sheens as she elegantly trots along. I feel my body adjusting to her new pace, gliding as one. 

I feel that fimiliar surge of love overflow within my heart and I slow her down to walking pace just so that I can bend down along her neck to hug her.

I let the reins fall and she knows this is her que to take me ‘home.’ She enjoys this responsibility tremendously. Swishing her beautiful black mane left to right, showing the trust I have for her off to the other horses as she strolls them by. Enjoying the jealous stares that linger on her as we pass.

“Drama queen”, I say sarcastically yet lovingly, just  loud enough for her to hear. Her ears prick and she almost smiles with satisfaction from hearing my special endearment (as she perceives it).

Getting closer to the paddocks, I can physically feel her becoming excited as she knows it’s almost treat time.

A good brush down would be our special bonding time followed by her favourite; green apples.

I dismount easily as she stands steady, ensuring my balance.

The second my feet touch the ground, she turns her beautiful, perfect face towards me. Her nose is warm against my bare arms as she strokes her head up and down along my arm, loving me. I believe that if she could, she would probably sit on her hind legs and use her other two to embrace me right back. The silly thought makes me smile and enjoy her cuddling even more.

The overwhelming love in my heart seems to once again take over my entire body. I place my cheek against hers and we share a moment of silence, a moment of peacful quiteness deep within our beings.  I know our love and trust is mutual and was hard earned from both our sides.

She had a difficult past and had totally lost hope in the human race. How beautiful and lovely you are, how perfect…  My blood begins to boil as my mind brings back the stories I’d heard about what she had gone through before being rescued. As I had felt that overwhelming love sensation, so now absolute disgust and anger formed in the pit of my stomach.  I will never understand how humans can be so cruel. The pain, the fear, loneliness and absolute hopelessness that she must have  felt.

A fierce wave of protection sweeps over me and I again hold her tight, all the while telling her how beautiful she is. Even with the scars that will forever cover her body, she is perfect and beautiful. 

She is my Colby Baby.

She is loved.
🌼☕

One special lady

Giggles and laughter bring fond memories as I remember the sunny days spent together, happy and innocent as birds of a feather.  The slurping of salted coffee as a prank and the forbidden swimming in the big old water tank. Spooky stories late at night, leading us to only sleep in the morning bright.

From childhood fun, where our friendship had begun; to facing lifes challenges day to day, she remains a pillar of love and strength molded from the most beautiful clay.1240584_10202304435149835_1599213621_n

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She looks upon each morning, facing what challenges life may bring, with certain courage and ambition, knowing she can do anything. 578114_4638389883978_638200463_n

Her heart is strong, yet she carries it upon her sleeve. Always knowing that she will continue to believe. Easily she wipes away a tear. She is strong and pushes away the fear.

She is a warrior, a loving mother and a doting wife, giving it her all in life. She has many roles to play and does so with natural ease. Making it look like a summer breeze.

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The sound of her warm assuring voice, her astounding presence in a room, her trusting friendship has won the hearts of many from a life of gloom.

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A beautiful life lesson she has taught me is; What matters is the quality of the person in your life… not the quantity that is.

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Most of the time, she doesn’t know how she affects those around, as she humbly goes about her days with her inner joy she has found.

Her friendship is so true, it’s like love with no boundaries and a trust without fail. Giving up anything to care for me and others, in detail. 1002338_10201951487534655_859176938_n (1)

A warm hug when life hands out blows with support every step of the way, I thank God for her when I pray. Always having her by my side has been such a joyous ride.

A friend I’ll treasure till my last breath…

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