Happiness was ripped from my heart in a single painful beat.
My breath caught in my chest so suddenly that I found myself gasping for air.
“No!” I shook my head vigorously. As if this futile action would change reality. This was the same person in the same room that on the very same screen that had shown me my new little beating heart. And now, here he was telling me that it was no longer to be???
It was incredulous and I was unconvinced.
“Look again, you are mistaken!” This I said a bit more harshly than intended.
“Listen, this happens to so many-“
“Your equipment must be faulty.” I interrupted. “Maybe you should switch it off and on again?” I asked hopefully. Though the truth of what he was telling me was slowly hitting home.
I suddenly lost my will to argue any further as I lay in the darkened room with his little screen silently staring at me. I was surprised to feel a warm tear slowly run down the side of my cheek. In the background I heard my doctors gentle placating voice. But his words were incomprehensible to my mind. I merely stared at the black and white screen. Stared at my little baby that had stopped growing. Stared at its little shape just taking its human form. My heart weighed a ton as I meekly got dressed and went back into the painfully bright consulting room. The doctor and I sat for a while in poignant silence. The love I had felt here only two weeks before, turned to abandonment. The coziness of the room left me longing and the beautiful smiles on photographs of the babies he had brought into this world pushed me into a never ending abyss of darkness.
I slowly left his rooms only to see my mothers happy, expectant smile as I re-entered the waiting room. She took one look at me and immediately rushed toward me. That was my breaking point.
I crashed fully, uncontrollably and heavily. Realising that I was disconsolate, she turned to lead me out to the bright sunshine. To the fresh warm breeze. I felt none of these.
I can remember only two things –
My doctor, talking to his assistant and motioning toward me as my mom held me tightly.
The other moms-to-be patiently waiting their turn, had realised what had just taken place. They protectively placed their hands on their beautiful protruding bellies. I felt a stab of jealousy as I realised that only 30 minutes ago, that was me. I had held my little bump and spoken affectionately to my perfect little baby. Telling him (I had a feeling my baby would be a boy) that I couldn’t wait to hold him. That his oldest brother was so excited to meet him. That our entire family was ready to receive and love him. That was only half an hour ago…centuries ago and worlds apart to what I was feeling now.
As I held onto the one person who had never judged me, never doubted me and had loved me at my worst, I felt totally and truly shattered.
I leaned heavily on her while I sobbed away. She held me tightly, shedding her own tears silently.
I was exhausted and could cry no further. I hung onto her as I breathed shakily. Her love radiated from every part of her being. I could actually feel her wishing the pain away, and trying to take it onto herself instead.
Later, at my little secret place. The same place where I had gone to make sense of the news that I was carrying a brand new little being, I dubbed it Our Special Place.
It’s ours, just for me and my baby.
I sat dry-eyed and heavy-hearted, once again trying to make sense. Only this time, it was to say farewell to my baby that I’ll never meet while on earth.
My only strength is that I know we shall meet one day…until then…farewell little one.
Mommy loves you